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Talking about adoption and contact

Prior to 1976 adoptions in the UK were referred to as 'closed' and the adoptee's records were sealed. They did not have access to their birth records or birth name. Adoptive parents were often advised not to tell their children they were adopted. The Adoption Act of 1976 gave adoptees access to their original birth certificates. This legal change has brought about an increased recognition of the needs of adoptees to understand their backgrounds. The adoption process has become more open.

Talking about adoption

Adopted children/young people should be told about their adoption because:

  • It is truthful and lays the foundation for an open and honest relationship.
  • They need to know and understand their own history, including the history of their birth family.
  • It plays an important part in the development of their identity, and it will help to join their past and present lives together.
  • Other family members or friends might tell them.
  • If this isn't shared with them they can seek more information, in a non-supported way, on social media.

Talking to an adopted child/young person about their life story can feel overwhelming. Adoptive parents might:

  • Feel that they don't have the language to explain adoption or the reasons for the adoption.
  • Feel that there isn't the right moment and that their child has too many other things they are busy mastering or managing.
  • Worry that their child might reject them in favour of the birth family.

There are various forms of support available to adoptive parents to help them talk about adoption:

  • The life story book is a legal requirement and there are guidelines about what should be included. The life story book forms a basis to start to talk about their experiences. The life story book is aimed at children of a younger age.
  • The Later Life Letters will build on the life story book and provide more information for when the adopted child is older, often from age nine onwards.
  • Therapeutic life story work can be undertaken. It will involve a suitably qualified professional supporting the adoptive family with talking about adoption.
  • There are a range of children's books which will help to introduce your child to the subject of adoption.
  • Movies about adoption, or that touch on adoption issues, can lead into discussion about adoption.

Keeping in touch with birth family

All adoptive parents in the UK agree to contact, as all adoptions in the UK are open adoptions. The adopted child's contact plan will be agreed during the care proceedings or, if your child was relinquished, with a birth parent. Keeping in touch can include writing letters (letterbox) and/or meeting people in person (direct contact).

Prof Beth Neil carried out a study about contact that followed children from age four into the later teenage years. In this clip Prof Neil explains her findings. In this film you can hear young people talking about their experience of contact, and in this clip an adoptive parent talks about their experience of being in touch with the birth family.

Whilst letterbox, and direct contact, between the child/young person and their birth family can sometimes feel very daunting, research shows that good quality contact has many benefits in the longer term. Further research is being carried out to understand what good quality keeping in touch arrangements would look like and how those arrangements could best be supported. ASE is following this research closely and is committed to maintaining good quality relationships with birth family where it is possible to do so.

Meetings between birth relatives and adoptive parents

Adoption South East will always attempt to set up a meeting between birth parents and prospective adoptive parents or adoptive parents. This is usually a one off meeting. Prospective adoptive parents/adoptive parents will be supported by the adoption social worker. Birth parents will be supported in the meeting by the child's social worker.

The meeting usually lasts between 30 to 45 minutes. It is set up in a neutral venue. The aim of the meeting is:

  • To exchange information about how the child/young person is.
  • For prospective adoptive/adoptive parents to meet the birth parents
  • For birth parents to meet with prospective adoptive/adoptive parents
  • To confirm contact arrangements.

Settling in letter

This is a letter from the prospective adoptive parents to the birth parents. It is generally written two to three months after the child has been placed with prospective adoptive parents and contains information about how the child has settled in with the family.

Letterbox contact

Letterbox contact is an exchange of letters or cards and artwork by the adopted child or photos (where it was agreed but this is the exception). Letterbox is an adult to adult exchange. The adopted child/young person can contribute to it but the responsibility to undertake letterbox remains with the adults. Letterbox contact is a formal agreement of the suggested contact plan for the adopted child/young person. The agreement will be set up by one of the Adoption South East's contact teams. The formal agreement is set up with both the adoptive parents and the birth family or kinship members.

Birth family members and adoptive parents will be provided with guidance on what to write and when the letters will be due. All letters are sent to the contact team and letters are proof read. A copy of all letters are kept on the adopted young person's contact file and they can read this as part of their file record once they are 18.

The frequency of letterbox contact is reviewed throughout the adopted child/young person's childhood to reflect their changing needs as they mature. Letterbox contact is formally arranged until the adopted young person reaches the age of 18. If the adopted person chooses to "opt in", Adoption South East can facilitate letterbox contact exchange until the adopted person turns 21.

Direct contact

Direct contact can be between birth parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends/kinship members and the adopted child and their adoptive family. Contact with birth family (parents, siblings (contactafteradoption.org), grandparents, uncles or aunts) and kinship members will be set up by one of the direct contact workers from Adoption South East. The setting up meeting with birth family can be with, or separate from, adoptive parents, who will have a similar meeting. All the boundaries and expectations, time frame for contact, and how it will be supervised, will be discussed in the "setting up meeting". This will be formally recorded in an agreement and signed by everyone involved.


Next the direct contact worker will communicate with all parties involved before the direct meeting to exchange details of where, and at what times, the contact will take place. Every contact is attended by the direct contact worker. Support can be offered to birth/kinship family members to attend the contact.

The direct contact worker will liaise with the birth/kinship family and the adoptive parents following the contact to review how the contact went and whether any plans need to be amended for the next contact.

Contact with brothers and sisters can be arranged directly between adoptive parents when the children are in adoption or foster placements. Support for setting up these meetings is available through Adoption South East. These meetings often start with being facilitated by the direct contact worker, the worker will then gradually withdraw from attending the meetings.

Further information about contact and talking to your child about adoption

Research on contact

This is longitudinal study, called "Contact After Adoption", carried out by Professor Elsbeth Neil at the University of East Anglia.

Adopted adults

As an adopted adult you can register your wishes with respect to contact with birth relatives in a number of ways.